The last few months of Dad's life were difficult on me - don't you already know it's all about ME???? LOL I didn't provide ANY of his care...that was left to those in Salt Lake and I will always be grateful for their loving care and support...but I was frustrated by my inability to hold a meaningful conversation. Our phone calls were miserable...he didn't know who I was, rambled on or was incoherent, or just non-communicative. It got to the point, at times, that I felt like I was just creating more confusion rather than solace. However, there was hardly ever a call when he did not ask me about how Rich was doing and asked me to tell him hello...such a strange fact...such a disconnect from his persistent confusion.
Yesterday and today I have been fighting the inclination to pick up the phone to call him. I'm glad that he has gone...I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing him to return home...but I miss him terribly...and with his passing I find myself missing Mom acutely too. It seems that while he was here, she was too...at least in my mind and heart. I marvel often about how idyllic my life has been, how fortunate I was to have them as my parents, how much of what I am is because of them. I wish I could hug them and tell them how much they mean to me. I tell them, and I am certain they know my heart and are here with us, but I so wish that I could see beyond that veil that keeps me from them.
For a long while I felt that the reason that Dad was not permitted to return to our Heavenly Home was that we, his children and grandchildren, had things to learn. Afterall, it was easy to see that he wasn't gaining anything by staying. I can see some of the blessings that came from his sacrifice on our behalf. Petty differences were put aside to make decisions on his behalf. Working together for his good became the overriding goal. I wish there were a recording of the sibling meeting that took place after Dad's passing...the good will, kindness, and love were palpable. Did we do everything perfectly? That's doubtful. Could we have done things differently? No doubt. But there was love and concern for all and I want my brothers and their precious wives to know that I love you all dearly and I am so grateful that you are in my life. Someday I hope to measure up to your greatness but in the meantime I really appreciate your patience with me.
Adding to the recipe file:
Mom's Pork and Bean Salad -
This salad has NO proportions...just add the ingredients to your liking
Pork and Beans - with the juices but without the fat
Cucumber, chopped
Tomato, chopped
Green, red, orange, or yellow pepper, chopped
Onion - personally I like sliced green onions, including the green
Radishes, sliced
Mayonnaise
Salt and pepper, sugar optional (I don't use them but Mom did)
Bon Appetit!
